Let me come out with it. I’m Jewish. And I was raised in one of those households who really appreciated the change from Christmas Break to the Holiday Break. Toledo, OH is not a pro-semetic place. Its not the type of place Woody Allen could have developed his phobias in, unless he liked practicing his monologs behind closed blinds in the middle of the night when the neighbors were asleep.

I like to call Jews who grow up in places like these, “Diaspora Jews”. We’re the ones who know how to keep the thing going when times get tough, cause to be honest, if there’s ever gonna be an issue again, it would most likely start in an intolerant, backwards, hell-hole like Toledo, OH. And folks on the Upper West Side, may like to complain about the Horra, but when have they last experienced it? They’re weak in their great numbers, for not knowing what its truly like.

I bring this up because like my father’s employers who used to chastize him for depriving his kids of a Christmas tree and for inferring that he killed Jesus as a holiday tradition, I’ve heard these Christmas songs so much, I like to roll them out again every single year. I was forced to learn them in Choir in order to get the easy A.. perform them at a 9 to 1 ratio before all the goyin in the Ray. E. Deardorf auditorium HOLIDAY CONCERT — and now I’m going to go through my favourite ones here. Yes. Many of which were written by Jews — we always say as they play at the Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day.

Now that you know how I felt about Christmas growing up (and I actually do celebrate it now, three years running with my best friend Mark Nugent — it really is a sugary good time) one day I may write a song inspired by this. Until then, enjoy these favourites and the feelings which inspired them. Happy Holidays!

Feel like the New Jersey Turnpike:

Feel balanced (Bing died shortly after this)

Feel Passive Aggressive (Think Martha Stewart denial)

Feel Guilty

Feel Stereotypically Mexican

Feel hungry